"Douglas, it's me." Terri's voice was hushed and distant.
"Hi there! Thanks for calling." Douglas's voice was calm and soft at the moment. That helped her to remain calm, as well.
"Look, Douglas, I... I'm sorry that I couldn't meet you in person. You just really frightened me the other night. I just couldn't deal with a face to face conversation."
"It's okay," he assured her. "I understand. At least you called."
"What did you want to talk about?"
"Is anyone else there with you?" he prodded.
"No."
"Francisco's not there?"
"No, Douglas. I'm alone. What did you want to say?"
"Well, first, I wanted to thank you for agreeing to talk with me finally."
"It's okay."
"I've been looking forward to speaking with you."
Terri's heart sank. She was trying to remain calm, but it wasn't easy. That comment, the idea that Douglas had been planning this conversation, that made her feel vulnerable. Her response was barely a whisper. "Not a problem."
"Are you okay?" he asked gently. "Are you doing okay?"
Terry was annoyed at the question. How could he seriously ask that? "I'm fine, Douglas, but I don't think that's what you wanted to talk about."
He paused for a second. "I wanted to explain what happened."
"I know what happened, Douglas." Terri's voice was becoming more demonstrative and argumentative now.
"No, I mean, I wanted to explain WHY... from MY perspective."
Terri dismissed the importance of the issue. "It doesn't matter, Douglas. It was a long time ago."
"Well, it matters to me," he said. "I needed to tell you why I couldn't call you back when I first went in."
"There's nothing to explain, Douglas."
"We never had a chance to talk..."
Terri interrupted. "We never had a chance to talk, because you wouldn't LET me talk to you. I tried, Douglas. I called and called. You wouldn't even answer."
"I know," he admitted. "That's what I wanted to explain."
"I even called your lawyer's office," she continued with outrage in her voice. "Talk about giving up your dignity! They thought that I was stalking you!"
"Well, I'm sorry..."
"No, I don't think you're sorry!" she argued. "Whatever you did, you did it because it's what YOU wanted to do. You had no regard for MY feelings."
"That's not true," he argued.
"It's totally true! You shut me out! You cut me off! I couldn't even fight back, because you wouldn't let me."
"I didn't want to fight with you, Terri," he explained with desperation in his voice. "I didn't know how to start that conversation, and I was afraid of how it would go."
"You were afraid of how it would go," she mocked. "So you threw me overboard and left me for dead."
"I'm sorry, Terri, but you have to understand."
"Oh, I think I do understand!" she snapped.
"No, you don't. You don't understand what it was like to be facing prison. My life was over, and I couldn't bear the thought of you seeing me in there."
"So, this was all about YOU and what YOU wanted!"
"No!" he protested.
"So, why didn't you say something? We had six weeks from the sentencing until you had to report. We could have talked. We talked every day. You could have let me know what you were thinking and how you were feeling."
"It was a bad time," he said dismissively.
"Yes, it was a bad time," she admitted. "I was there. I remember. My heart was breaking for you, and I was willing to stand by you through this. You never gave any reason to question that."
"We didn't have much time left," he said. "I just wanted it to be nice."
"It was nice," she agreed. "It's what came after that tore me apart."
"I'm sorry, Terri. I never meant to hurt you."
"Oh, don't even say that!" she scolded. "It's insulting."
"Why is it insulting?" he asked.
"Because you DID hurt me, Douglas. You hurt me worse than I've ever been hurt before. Maybe your intentions were good, but..."
"That's what I'm trying to explain!" he argued.
"Well, you're not doing a very good job!"
"Terri, listen, I had no other choice."
She bristled. "You always had the choice, Douglas. You should have said something."
"Terri, listen to me. Please."
"I am listening."
"Look, first I had to go to trial and admit what I did, and that was hard enough. Then I had to face the reality of going away for more than two years of my life."
"I'm sorry about that, Douglas. You're right. I don't understand how you felt, because I wasn't in your position, but I did feel terribly for what you had to face."
"You see, Terri, I had this picture in my head. I pictured you walking into that place to visit me. And in my mind you were so sad and so embarrassed. I just couldn't let that happen."
"Dammit, Douglas! You don't get it! That wasn't your choice to make, Douglas. This situation involved both of us. It HURT both of us, too. I should have had some say in how we were going to approach it going forward."
"I understand that, now," he said.
"So, why did you shut me out?"
"Look, it was just how I was feeling at the time," he explained. "I was in a dark place, and it was about to get darker. I know that cutting you off was harsh, but it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. And I didn't want our last days together to be filled with arguments."
"Well, that's nice, Douglas, but it wasn't the right thing to do. It totally wasn't the right thing to do. It was cruel and selfish. We should have talked about it. You should have been straightforward with me about how you felt. You should have involved me in that decision."
"In know," he said quietly.
"And for the record," she continued, "I WAS willing not only just to visit you in prison. I even put dates in my schedule. And I was willing to wait for you all the way through to the end. But you never gave me that chance."
"I'm sorry," he said.
"You're sorry," she mocked him coldly. "You didn't give me a chance. I called you, and you wouldn't talk to me. Do you know how much that hurt me?"
"I'm sorry, Terri, but this was hard for me, too," Douglas argued. "You have no idea what it was like to be in that place."
Terri spoke slowly and deliberately to express her exasperation. "I have no idea what you were going through, because you wouldn't communicate. You can't blame that on me."
The line was silent.
"Look," Terri continued, "if you really thought that this was the right way to go, if you really thought that we should end the relationship, then we should have talked about it. I wouldn't have liked it. And you're right, we would have argued. So what? At least I would have had a say in our future. But you took that away from me - selfishly - and you hurt me terribly in the process."
"I'm sorry, Terri. I just didn't think that you would understand."
"Douglas, I'm not an idiot. If you had talked to me, I would have listened, and we could have worked something out."
"I just didn't know how to approach it," he admitted. "I was afraid of how you would react."
"How did you expect me to react when you ditched me and refused to communicate? You shut me out. I had no idea what was going on with you in there. I was so afraid for you. I was dying inside. I couldn't figure out why you were so angry with me."
"I wasn't angry."
"Well then, how can you explain what you did?"
"I'm trying," he insisted. "I'm sorry."
"Well, sorry doesn't cut it."
"I did call you," he noted.
"Yes," she said. Eight fucking months later!"
"It was your birthday."
"Yes, it was my birthday, and it was horrible."
Douglas was incredulous. "You felt horrible because I gave you a call on your birthday?"
"No, Douglas! Jesus! What felt horrible was suddenly getting a call from a man who I thought was in love with me, but who suddenly cut me off when things got tough. That was horrible. It made me question our entire relationship."
"I understand," Douglas said calmly. "It was hard for you, but it was hard for me, too."
"I don't dispute that," she said.
"I did think of you," he argued. "I did try to reach out."
"It was too late, Douglas! The damage was done."
"I thought that maybe things would be calmer by then."
"Calmer?" she demanded. "How could they be calmer. I cried every day for three months. I can't tell you how many times I vomited. My life was a wreck because of what you did."
"Well, I thought that maybe after a while it would get easier," he said.
"Then, you thought wrong," she said. "I was hurt and I was furious. Even when you finally called eight months later, I was so angry with you - not because you broke it off, but because of how you did it."
"Terri, I am sorry," he said in a soft voice. "I really didn't mean to hurt you."
"You keep saying that, Douglas, but the words are empty. They have nothing to do with reality. You broke my heart," she said. "You really did. And eventually, I had to move on. For my own sanity, I had to move on."
"I understand that," he said, "and I know that I can never make that up to you."
"That's true."
"I just wanted you to understand what happened from my perspective."
"Well, I'm sorry Douglas, but I don't understand that and I never will. I'll never understand how you could be so cruel to me after all that we'd been through, after everything that we had said to each other."
"I didn't meant to hurt you, Terri" he said. "I was only trying to protect you."
"I never asked for that, Douglas. I never asked you to protect me from anything. All I needed was honesty, and that's the one thing that you wouldn't give me."
"That's tough to hear," he admitted, "but it's important that I hear it."
"We used to trust each other," she said. "I trusted you with everything. I shared my deepest secrets with you. And you couldn't be open with me just this once. I was so confused. I just couldn't believe that it was the same person, the person I thought I knew."
Douglas's tone brightened. "Well, I am the same person."
"Yes, but that's the problem," she said.
"What do you mean?"
"I thought that I knew you, but I didn't."
"You did know me," he argued.
"Not until you left me," she said. "Your actions showed me your true nature. You showed me that I could never trust you with my heart again."
Douglas tried to interrupt. "Terri..."
"And that's when I gave up," she continued. "That's when I realized that there was nothing left worth fighting for, and that everything that I thought that I knew was a lie."
"Terri, it wasn't a lie."
"It was, Douglas. In the end, you put yourself first. There was no 'us'. There was just you and what you needed."
"I'm sorry," he said.
"I'm sure that you are."
"I hope that one day, you'll be able to forgive me."
Terri thought for a moment before speaking. "I just stopped caring. That's the best I have to offer."
'The Horse Farm'
Copyright © 2016 Daniel R. South
All Rights Reserved
No comments:
Post a Comment